How to Seduce an Ostrich: A Step by Step Guide

Ostrich Farm Cango South Africa

Step 1: Find a Sexy Ostrich

Oudtshoorn, South Africa

Have you ever wanted to know how to seduce the largest bird in the world? Today I will teach you the ancient & mysterious secrets of wild ostrich love.

Everyone gets a little lonely sometimes. Instead of looking for love in all the same places, why not visit a farm? There are plenty of farm animals out there who would be happy to receive your affections.

If you happen to be traveling in South Africa, you’re in luck. Everyone knows that the hottest farm animal in the world is the ostrich, and you’ll find many available birds in South Africa.

The following guide will teach you how to seduce and conquer this wild beast on just the first date!

Step 1: Find a Sexy Ostrich

Obviously this won’t be too difficult, as most ostriches are extremely attractive. The best ones will have long, skinny legs and big doe eyes with long lashes.

But everyone has different tastes, so maybe you’ll want a big fat one instead.

Whatever your pleasure, the best place to find them is at an ostrich farm, like the Cango Ostrich Farm located in Oudtshoorn South Africa. They’ll help you find the perfect match depending on your personal requirements.

Ostrich Feeding South Africa

Step 2: Wine & Dine Her

Step 2: Wine & Dine Her

Now you can’t just make your move right away, she’ll want to play hard-to-get first. So you’ll need to take her out to eat. Fortunately this won’t be expensive, because her favorite foods are alfalfa pellets, rocks, and twigs.

Because ostriches don’t have teeth, they eat all sorts of random things to help break up the food in their stomachs. Rocks and twigs are usually free. This means she’ll be a cheap date.

You should even be able to afford paying for her friends too, and everyone knows you are far more likely to succeed in your quest if you win her friends over first.

And if her friends are attractive and willing, well – you just never know how your night could turn out…

Ostrich Kissing South Africa

Step 3: The First Kiss

Step 3: The First Kiss

By now you should have built her trust up enough that you can attempt a passionate make-out session. When you go in to make your move, don’t be startled if her eyes suddenly go opaque.

Ostriches have two different eyelids on each eye, and to make the kiss more romantic, she may close the interior ones.

It’s also important to note that she might be an aggressive kisser… A little pinching and biting is very common.

This shouldn’t be a problem though, especially if you’re into that kind of thing.

Ostrich Ride South Africa

Step 4: Mount Up & Take Her for a Ride

Step 4: Mount Up & Take Her for a Ride

This is the moment that you’ve been waiting for! Now she’ll be putty in your hands, ready & willing to do anything you want. Don’t let her over-think it too much though, or she may change her mind.

Ostriches can be a little shy sometimes, and they’ll relax more if you blindfold them before climbing on top. Once you’ve mounted her, wrap your legs around tight and grab ahold of her wings.

Ready for some action?

Then take off her blindfold, lean back, and let the fun begin!

If it’s your first time, don’t be embarrassed if you only last a few seconds.

Special thanks to Rachelle from TheTravelBite.com and Earl from WanderingEarl.com for some of the photos!

Watch Video: Seducing an Ostrich in South Africa

(Click to watch Seducing an Ostrich in South Africa on YouTube)

Location: Oudtshoorn, South Africa
Company: Cango Ostrich Farm
Cost: $8 Farm Tour
Useful Notes: Don’t fall in love!

This adventure was made possible with help from South African Tourism. However, as you probably know by now, all opinions & thoughts are my own.

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Comments & Questions

  • http://twitter.com/DangerousBiz/status/158272598545928193/ Amanda Williams (@DangerousBiz)

    Haha, love it.

  • http://twitter.com/Shigeo4/status/158317581411946496/ @Shigeo4

    ガチョウを誘惑する方法。1.セクシーなやつを見つけて 2.食事をして 3.ファーストキスを済ませたら 4.GO!

  • http://technosyncratic.com Christy @ Technosyncratic

    I’m speechless. Can’t believe you let it kiss you! I’d be worried about losing an eyeball. :)

    • http://ExpertVagabond.com Matthew Karsten

      I can’t deny that I was a bit nervous, so that’s why I let her kiss Earl first! While she almost broke his teeth, his eyes were still intact. :)

      The claws on them are giant! I was actually more worried about those…

  • Shellie

    I love the first kiss!!

    • http://ExpertVagabond.com Matthew Karsten

      Don’t tell anyone Shellie, but I enjoyed it as well. ;)

  • Errich

    I hope I can find an ostrich too…This looks awesome!! LOL

  • Stephanie – The Travel Chica

    These photos are hilarious! I knew they were big, but seeing you mounting one shows just how freaking big they really are!

    • http://ExpertVagabond.com Matthew Karsten

      Are you calling my new girlfriend big??? :D

  • Stephanie – The Travel Chica

    Well, you are not exactly a small guy. You need a girlfriend with a little meat on her bones.

  • Akila

    Ummm . . . I’ve done some crazy things in my life — but kissing an ostrich is not high on my list. Very impressed, Matt.

    • http://ExpertVagabond.com Matthew Karsten

      So Akila, you’re admitting it is ON your list? ;)

  • http://www.lemonicks.com/ Nisha

    I’ve also met/seen many Ostriches but dating or kissing them never occurred to me. Wasted opportunities. :(

    Next time, it’s gonna be the one. ;)

    Hats off to you, Matt.

    • http://ExpertVagabond.com Matthew Karsten

      One should never pass up an opportunity for a kissing session. :D

  • http://jdombstravels.com/ Jennifer

    This is hilarious! I’ve totally wanted to ride an ostrich since watching ostrich races at the race track!

  • http://www.adventureunderwear.com Nigel Clifford

    WOW! That looks like so much fun! Adding this to ever increasing bucket list.
    Any advice on what to do if you get a second date ;)

  • http://www.travellingking.com Sam D

    Oh my gosh Matt! I love your posts, you are always so funny!
    Riding an Ostrich would be awesome!!

  • http://www.withhusbandintow.com Amber

    Perfect tips! I hope to ride an ostrich one day, and I will be sure to look for a sexy one!

  • http://keepcalmandtravel.com Clelia Mattana

    Why I missed this article? why?! I was looking for funny stories around the web to create a top 10 list, (already published months ago)… I might add this as an extra “bonus” :) just hilarious!