I really don’t enjoy killing animals. But I do enjoy eating them. So when I had an opportunity to go hunting for the dangerous Timber Tiger in the forests of New Hampshire, I jumped at the chance to slay & eat this wicked beast.
Timber Tigers have become an uncontrollable epidemic in wooded areas throughout the United States. They breed and multiply in great numbers until no animal is safe from their wrath.
They’re an army of killers bent on destroying cute and defenseless birds, frogs, and mice.
Moving stealthily through the forest, they devour babies when parents are away from the nest. Timber Tigers are drug addicts too. Consuming large quantities of
psychedelic mushrooms all day, they numb their minds to the unspeakable crimes they commit against the animal kingdom.
The Hunt Begins
I wasn’t sure if I could destroy this monster on my own, so I enlisted the help of a reliable friend. Patrick and I armed ourselves well, said goodbye to our families, and ventured into the deep, dark, foreboding woods.
There were no guarantees we’d come out alive.
Immediately we discovered signs that a Timber Tiger was near. Tracking it through the wet leaves, we eventually found it’s hidden lair of doom.
Preparing ourselves mentally for the battle about to be waged, we hid in the brush and released the safeties on our weapons…
The Timber Tiger had been waiting for us. It was no fool. Lunging from the treetops, it surprised us with an attack from the air!
It’s clever ambush caught us off guard and we were forced to defend ourselves from the monster or risk certain death.
A lucky shot felled the beast before it could rip us limb from limb.
Our impossible quest was over. The leviathan was slain. Now it was time to feast.
How to Cook a Chipmunk
The first step to enjoying fresh Timber Tiger meat is to skin, gut, and butcher the evil creature. You’re left with 2 back legs and a sirloin.
After washing the meat well, you now place it in a bowl of cold water mixed with a tablespoon of canning salt. This you let sit in the fridge for 24 hours.
The salt removes any remaining blood, getting rid of a possible gamey taste.
Pour some good oil into a frying pan on medium heat and mix in half a clove of diced garlic to simmer for 5 minutes. Add your cuts of Timber Tiger, and spice the whole concoction with a healthy dose of freshly ground pepper.
Cook for 10 minutes.
You’re left with succulent, tasty morsels of meat, much like miniature chicken legs, that pair well with a case of cheap beer.
People will come from miles around to celebrate your victory over this demon of the forest, so be prepared for a party. The mayor may even declare a new holiday in your honor.
Ensure you have enough meat to share with friends, because everyone in the village will want to try a bite of your delicious Timber Tiger.
Buen Provecho! :D
Naturally hunting & eating furry woodland creatures might offend some people. If you decide to comment below, please share your opinions in a logical, professional way. Critical is fine, but if you’re rude, I’ll delete your stuff. 8)